48 Hours

48 hours
Jacob Tsypkin

I

I am relaxed in not knowing
Not caring
I pay no attention
I’ve been here before
I have tried
Wanted
To believe
But I cannot
And I cannot sleep
So I will accept
Every waking moment
And commit it
To this page
I watch myself
From the inside out
I beg for comfort
From the exhaustion
Of the world
I see the morning light
Pushing through opaque windows
I open the door
Cold and light flood into me
And the last words I hear
Before I step outside:
Whatever happened to the night?


II

I inhale deeply
Cold air stings me
Lips, tongue
Heart, lungs
Capturing my soul
In a brief moment
Of grey-shaded
Surreality
The trees
Winter barren
Seem alive to my tired eyes
I do not feel real today
As if I’m looking
From the outside in
The cold seeps into me
Even surrounded
By the faces
Of my peers
I keep my vigil
Solitary
Through the timeless morning

III

I need not your sympathy
Just point me to the mountains
So that I may lose myself
In the nowhere I belong
And when I have walked
For one thousand days
And one thousand nights
When my exhausted legs
Will no hold me no longer
When I have withered away
To a shell of myself
When the rain has soaked me to the bone
So that freshwater seeps from my skin
When I have grown so cold
That the sun will never again warm me
When I have become so distant
That I no longer remember you
And none any longer remember me
Then I will return
And perhaps then
Safe from my inadequacy
I will rest

IV

Awake
Yes, that is what I feel
Awake
Yes, that is what I am!
I am awake
Like the leaves that will grow
On barren trees
With winters end
I am awake
Like the morning light
Pushing its way
Through our windows
To remind us
Of what we’re here for
I am awake!
Like screams of triumph
Echoing from mountaintops
Cries of despair
Forming valleys of their own
I am awake!
Like countless lovers
Tangled in each other
Arms and legs
Tongues and souls
Seeking comfort
And love
And respite
From the exhaustion
I AM AWAKE
Like the sun and the moon
And the many, many stars
Like old friends
And new enemies
War and peace
And sex and magic!
Blood and water
And oil above them
Unto the light
At the end of the tunnel
I AM AWAKE!
And at last
In my awakeness
The 48th hour will come
And envelop me
And the soft voice of sleep
Will whisper in my ear
That this, too
Shall pass away